@PHIL Fantastic Voyage: Script 01 and Improvements



 This is my first script for my Fantastic Voyage project on Evolution and Variation. I have tried to keep the script short and the story to the point in hopes of bulking up what I have here, rather than trying to shorten down a bigger story like what occurred in Script to Screen. I have tried to base my story in the same style as games like Animal Crossing or Pokemon Mystery Dungeon in terms of layout, so sections in the script for GAMEPLAY will mean that the style of the story will shift more to a gaming style, compared to a CUT SCENE, that will play out more in the style of a traditional animated story. This is because I want my project to lean more on Lets Play videos on Youtube, so the style of the story I want to take inspiration from Story based games like Animal Crossing, but still have a core story and plot to them.

I feel the script might need some more tweaking, especially near the end, but I want some feedback first to see if the main story is okay while I start progressing with my storyboards.  


This is more of the style I'm aiming for, which is why I have tried to keep my designs simple for now,  and while the story boards are progressing I'm still going to produce a few more thumbnails to help me get more of a feel more the characters and get a bit more comfortable with the style as well. 


Comments

  1. tutorphilMarch 20, 2019 at 7:24 AM

    Hey Odette - I really like the sweetness of the finch doing the narration and I get the whole gasification element too. In terms of your script, you've got some clunky bits in there - for example 'Evolution has done you well'... maybe 'Evolution has served you well'? Also you've got 'I did warned you' when you mean 'warn' right? You really need to check this stuff before you consider sending it out to someone else to use.

    I think you're missing an ending/summing up too - it seems odd we don't hear from the finch at the end of the script - perhaps recapping for the inattentive student? I think perhaps there are more opportunities for the finch to speak - putting a bit more educative info into the mix? I think you may have to explain more of what's happening on screen, but also to give definitions for evolution etc - because my feelings are that while your film demonstrates a principle, it doesn't truly educate yet?

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